Some days are cantaloupe, and some days are chocolate cake….

Some days are grilled chicken and veggies, and some days are fully loaded fries.Some days are 3 mile runs, and some days are laying under the covers watching movies.Some days are cantaloupe, and some days are chocolate cake. Some days are matching purses, and shoes, and some days are sweat pants and T-shirts. 
And for me, today, it is all of those things in one. Yes, fully loaded fries, movies, chocolate cake, and pj’s. Guess what I know now? It’s completely ok! It’s ok, to have those days, days where you just can’t, and the most empowering thing I have learned, is that I don’t have to feel guilty for those days. Because those days will come, they come for all of us, maybe for different reasons, but we are only human, and we need to stop feeling so bad, for being human, for being weak, for needing a Savior! 
Because in the reality of what is another Mother’s Day with empty arms, with 3 babies who I will never know this side of heaven, it sucks! I know my honesty sometimes freaks people out, but who are we really hurting to pretend things are so perfect, really only ourselves ultimately. Because while I know I am so blessed to have my mother, still here with me, while many don’t, it doesn’t lessen the ache in this mother’s heart. Having my own mother here, and in my life, it doesn’t make it ok, that all my babies are gone, it doesn’t make it ok, not at all, not even one bit.

So I will not beat myself up for feeling a knife in my heart, when the cashier at the grocery store wished me a Happy Mother’s Day(when I was buying my chocolate cake), or for feeling so unworthy to be called a mother, when friends and family tried to make Mother’s Day something special for me by giving me gifts, and sweet wishes. Instead, I will allow myself to feel all of these feelings, and spend the day trying to take care of me, even if that means, pj’s and emotional eating. Next year, it might be better, it might not, and that’s ok, because I am going to make it through, no matter what that means. Because tomorrow, might not be one of those days, it might be a great day, full of healthy choices, and joy and peace. Whatever it is, I am learning to take it moment by moment, and to remind myself that whatever I feel, it’s ok to feel that way.

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