Today as I painted your little one’s toes, to make a Mother’s Day project, as I explained to each child what we were doing, my heart was heavy. “We are making something for you to give to your mommy, for Mother’s Day.” I told them.”What’s Mother’s Day?”, that was the question that most of them asked. I tried to explain the best I could, that it’s a special day just for moms, and you need to do something special for them. These are the moments that take my breath away, that cause my heart to ache for something that may never be. So, please know while they are so very special to me, they are yours, not mine, while they forever hold a special place in my heart, it’s just not the same. You see you are their Mother, and what a gift that is.
I had someone say to me only days after one of my miscarriages, “Well at least you have the kids in your class, they are your babies.” Let me just reiterate, IT IS NOT THE SAME.Yes, I refer to them as my kids and, I love each one of them. I wipe their noses, and bandage their boo boos. I listen to them when they tell me a funny story, or something that upsets them. I make sure they eat their food, and wipe their faces and hands. I try to teach them so they can succeed. I tie their shoes and fix their hair. I cover them with their blanket, and wish them sweet dreams at nap. Some of the very same things that you do as their mother, but let’s face it, I don’t do it as good as you can, because you are their Mom!
While I hope that each of these things I do as their teacher, is special and meaningful to each one of them, it is not the same as when Mommy does it. Because as you know, Mommy’s love for them is beyond what words can describe. Mommies can kiss away their boo boos, I can only bandage them. They are happy when I listen to them, but when Mommy listens, oh, it’s even better. What I wouldn’t give, for this chance, the chance to actually physically mother my child. I am a mother, I am an invisible mother, my babies are not here with me. I have known what it is to have a life growing inside, to fall in love the moment you get that positive pregnancy test, to be completely smitten when you see their heartbeat. Because of this, I will forever be a Mother, and no time or distance can ever change that. I just have not had the blessing to bring my babies home from the hospital. Being an invisible mother is not an easy thing. Because I have experienced what it is to carry life, I know how great your love is for your little ones. I also know what it is to go cycle after cycle praying for that one to be the one. Taking a pregnancy test, dropping to your knees in tears when it’s negative, again, pulling it out of the trash to make sure you weren’t mistaken. Going through the monthly devastation, and grieving process, when your dream is yet again, not going to be a reality. Avoiding baby showers, baby departments, children’s birthday parties, because sometimes it just hurts too much to have these reminders. Most days for this teacher’s heart, your little ones are a healing balm to my soul, they bring me laughter, and joy, and honestly a lot of fulfillment. Then there are days like today, that it just hurts, but I wouldn’t trade it in, just like you wouldn’t either!
I am so blessed for the role I can play in the lives of your babies. I am also so happy you are blessed with the opportunity to watch your little ones grow. So, hold them closer, listen when they talk. Get all the hugs you can. When you are frustrated, and tired, remember what a blessing they are. Remember that 1 in 8 couples are aching for that chance, the chance to calm a crying child, to kiss those boo boos, to be exhausted from lack of sleep due to being up all night with a fussy baby, or a feverish child. Maybe even say a little prayer for the aching hearts of those 1 in 8 couples.
An Infertile Teacher