What do you choose not to be?….my reply, “I choose not to be hopeless, being hopeful feels so much better.” This was a comment I made, to the above question, one day on my Reproductive Endo’s Facebook Page, a few months ago. The irony that they made it into a meme and posted it on their page just a day after my 3rd miscarriage was not lost on me. You see these things happen everyday, in more moments than I could even explain. 7 years into this process, several tests, several procedures, and now 3 losses, I am a different person than I was only 6 months into this. What is next for me? What am I planning to do now? Will we try again? Will we adopt? Well this is where I am right now, one thing is certain, I am taking it moment, by moment, this balancing act between hope and reality.
Hope is defined as a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. The balancing act I have found myself in, is one that is quite delicate, and honestly very messy. There are moments where I feel full of hope, that without a doubt what I expect and desire to happen will surely occur. Then there are the moments where I am on the opposite end of hope, and I walk in hopelessness. I have times where I allow myself to dream of planning that nursery, and using the onesies hanging in my closet, those are wonderful hope-filled moments, where I allow myself to dream.Then there are the moments when it hits me that I may never be able to have a child, never make my husband a father, never give my nieces any cousins, that is the hopelessness of reality. In my hopeful moments, I am okay with other people’s hope, and false promises of a happy ending, but in those hopeless moments, I don’t want words of encouragement, or false hope. Let’s be honest and face the truth, no one knows what the future will hold. No one can say for certain that I will ever hold my own child in my arms, and that is where I find myself currently, do I allow myself to hold out hope for something that may never happen, or do I let go. Sometimes I feel it would be easier to let go, and move on, and accept my life childless,and then that ache cripples me to my soul, and I think, I surely won’t survive without mothering a child I hold in my arms here on earth. But, that’s just it, I am surviving, maybe barely hanging on, somedays, but other days, I kick butt! Those days help to balance out the bad days, sometimes that’s enough, other times, not so much.
While I know that hoping to mother a child this side of heaven, is my desire, we are all hoping for or desiring something. Maybe someone to fall in love with, a better job, healing for someone ill, a rebellious child, a financial breakthrough, yes these are all extremely different, but the one thing they have in common are the hearts that hold onto these hopes, and the hearts that ache deeply due to life’s messiness.We are all human, and feel pain and joy, we need to stop comparing our hurts to one another. Maybe we can encourage one another, when needed, and keep our mouths shut, and just be there, in the moments when that is all that is needed. (Now my next step is working on letting others know when I need those hope-filled words, and when I just need a listening ear)
Mary Ann (a little hopeful today)